Chapter by Chapter Synopsis
Lessons from Camp: Wisdom in the Past Tents
1. "Signs, Stolen, Delivered They're Yours" - I was inducted into a secret society of road sign stealing my first year on staff at Camp Aheka. Besides the adrenaline rush of doing something bad, I later realized that road signs were a symbol of the establishment - and stealing them was a way of thumbing my nose at that authority.
2. "Stumbling Back to Staff Row" - I was 14 the first time I became intoxicated on sweet wine. This was definitely against my parent's wishes and obvious illegal for a person my age. Yet, the intent of my behavior was as noble as one of history's great explorers - and I explain.
3. "Mother Nature's Son" - As Assistant Nature Director my job was to make sure the Nature Lodge had exhibits for other campers to look at. I soon discovered that marketing is everything.
4. "Grabbing the Greased Watermelon" - No, It's not a sexual reference. Each week at our aquatics meet, the final event was a greased watermelon competition. The team able to lift that slippery, heavy thing out of the water won the right to carry it back to their campsite and eat their just deserts.
5. "Chinese Fire Drills" - Joyriding is genetic and that's why teenage boys will pile into cars and ride around mooning other vehicles, smoking cigarettes, blaring music, and pulling Chinese Fire Drills. But, the real lesson for us comes from the discipline of mathematics: A line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it's also often the most boring.
6. "The Mile Swim" - This was a challenge I took up many times across the suspicious waters of Lake Aheka where the presence of an oft-discussed giant tortoise, "Big Joe", supposedly lurked underneath. I learned the meaning of xenophobia.
7. "Lean-tos and Tents" - You had your choice and no matter which one you picked, there was an up and down side. Almost every choice in life carries an up side and a down side. But, if you want to live and not just exist, you'll have to eventually take some risks.
8. "Latrines and Imaginary Fiends" - What possible life lesson could anyone learn from a latrine? Even I wondered about that before writing this. Yet, I found one.
9. "Snipe Hunting" - The time-honored gag of hunting for something that doesn't exist (aside from weapons of mass-destruction in Iraq) is best demonstrated by the snipe hunt. And the life lesson it taught me was first expressed by English philosopher, Francis Bacon. (Ironically, snipes are distant cousins to bacon's reluctant donor, the pig.)
10. "Capture the Flag" - This story will demonstrate to you that:
1) a flashlight is really an inefficient light saber
2) power (not necessarily beauty) is in the eye of the beholder and
3) someone still quotes Nigerian proverbs.
11. "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" - Since a young boy, I've had an ongoing relationship with peanut butter and jelly which transcends anything normal. As a child, I was forbidden by my mother to eat it because of my weight. But, at camp peanut butter was freely offered and plentiful at each meal. It's time to confess: bless me father, for I have eaten.
12. "The Raccoon Whisperer" - We had a system for catching raccoons which consisted of large traps built out of scraps of wood we lifted from nearby new home starts. But, the life lesson we learned from this exercise was actually enunciated by a famous economist.
13. "Coffee Pot Sawyer" - This was the guy hired to run the kitchen. He was the taskmaster in charge of making sure the tables were set, the food got out to the tables, and seconds were offered - if there were any. The concept of leftovers is explored. (I ask you: what kind of shallow book explores the concept of leftovers? I'm mortified.)
14. "It's a Long Hard Drive Past Second..." - My first driving experience was on the camp softball field. For a kid from suburban, New Jersey, getting behind the wheel of a vehicle several years before I could even get a learner's permit made me a shoo-in for nomination to the Britney Spears Moving Violation Hall of Fame.
15. "The Bliss of the First Kiss" - The first time I ever French-kissed a girl and discovered the breathless thrill of "heavy petting" was with a female acquaintance from school. It happened at Camp Aheka's softball field during "Family Camping Week" and I promise you the cliché of getting to "second base" was never used in this story.
16. "Monkey Bridges" - An annual camp-wide activity was the building of the monkey bridge which kept everyone busy for a good week. Once erected, this combination of trees, limbs, and rope lashings was a great conversation piece for when parents visited. Plus, it gave me a chance to stand at its base and do my famous Charleston Heston impression: "Get your filthy paws off me you damn dirty campers!"
17. "Beetles and Potatoes" - This is a story about an experience I had at another day camp, Camp Belle. Camp Belle was run by Clara Belle who probably cut her teeth in camp administration as the activities coordinator at Stalag 17. Anyway, Miss Belle hired fat cooks who make great fried potatoes but drove tiny cars. You will learn the life lesson that "Size Matters".
18. "Dances with Loin Cloths" - If my friends at high school knew I dressed up like an Indian on Saturday nights and danced around a campfire, I would have been give an ultimatum: apply for my own float in the Pasadena DooDah Parade or join the Village People. Little did they know I would write this book one day and justify it all.
19. "Don't Tell the Fire Marshall" - Part of my responsibilities at camp was figuring out a cool way to light the weekly campfire without also setting my own loin cloth on fire. (See previous embarrassing chapter.) Fire is reassuring, fire creates safety, fire warms our food, and fire brings us together. Then, there are the good things, too. Kidding, just kidding.
20. "The Hypnotist" - Have you ever seen one of those shows where a hypnotist takes a volunteer, puts him under, and then makes him do something really stupid? Of course, the hypnotist you saw was a professional who probably prefaced it all by saying, "Kids: don't try this at home". Well, he didn't mention anything about camp.
21. "Bug Juice" - The term "bug juice" was created by the Marines to describe the colored, sweetened water served on ships or in mess halls. The first time I heard about it was at camp where it was served at every meal. What I learned was a lesson in marketing: sure, I could get plain old Kool-Aid at home but I had to come to the sticks to get "bug juice".
22. "#10 Cans" - My love affair with peanut butter and jelly is only eclipsed by my fascination with the #10 can. I revere the #10 can. Most people don't even know what a #10 can is - and for them, I weep, for they will never know the lesson it has provided me.